Ask an assembled group of women why they think men cheat, and you’re more or less guaranteed that a good 80% of them will declare: “Because they’re bastards!” or “Because they’re sex addicts!”. The idea of a man cheating is far more common and - dare I say - acceptable than the idea of a woman doing the dirty, especially a woman who does it because she likes sex and not just because she’s stuck in a miserable relationship looking for an escape. But do men really cheat because they are seedy, sex-obsessed a-holes with no feelings and hearts of stone? Of course not, so why do so many of us think that?
According to a marriage counsellor named Gary Neuman, “Men cheat because they’re lacking an emotional connection at home.” Hear that, ladies? An “emotional connection”. It’s certainly a claim one of my female friends agrees with. “It [cheating] happens for a reason. Something is missing from the relationship and things aren’t being worked at, the lines of communication aren’t open. If I wasn’t giving my fella enough time and he starts looking for attention elsewhere, then I’m at fault. Let your man know they’re special. Five minutes every day can save a relationship.” If we’re really honest with ourselves here, girls, isn’t it true that we expect a certain amount of complimentary comments and assurances from our boyfriends? But how often do we return the favour; tell them how handsome/sweet/funny/talented they are? I’m going to take a guess and say it’s probably not as often as they say it to us - but why not? Many men are more self-confident than the average woman, but that doesn’t mean they don’t need to hear reassurances from the lady in their life.
There’s also a massive misconception that men are much tougher when it comes to being cheated on. Yes, they might rage around and punch a wall and then go out with the intention of decking the guy you cheated with, but us girls have a tendency to put that down to hurt pride rather than actual heartbreak. Well, I’m here to tell you ladies: men DO HAVE FEELINGS. One such male friend of mine told me what happened when he was cheated on: “It was awful. I cried for a week, didn't leave my room, couldn't eat. I lost loads of weight and went dangerously thin. Then I was incredibly angry and just tried to sleep with as many girls as possible.” And what are his thoughts on cheating girlfriends now? “They can go f**k themselves.” Another of my female friends says, “I think that men find it more painful if a woman they love cheats on them; they can not get over it.”
Unfortunately, there are some men (and indeed women) in the world that don’t see anything wrong in cheating and refuse to acknowledge that going behind someone’s back is a huge betrayal. A male acquaintance I know cheated on his girlfriend repeatedly over the course of seven years - including throughout their engagement - reasoning that “once I’m married, I‘ll stop”. Do I believe a piece of paper and a slice of stale wedding cake is going to alter his ways? Not a chance in hell. Surely if you love someone, you don’t cheat on them, right?
One argument as to why men purportedly cheat more than women is because they find it hard to turn down sex. Have you ever walked up to a random guy in a bar or club and asked, “Fancy a shag?” Can you imagine the response? Now imagine your response if a guy said the same thing to you. The success rate would be VERY different. The fact is, men don’t get offered sex as much as women, so they find it hard to turn it down when they do. That’s not an excuse, merely an explanation, but I would ask all the guys reading this to imagine an attractive girl coming up to them and offering sex on a plate before they dismiss it. It goes back to those basic differences between men and women that I discussed earlier in this blog: it’s simply more socially acceptable for men to want and have a lot of sex.
When I asked a selection of friends whether or not they thought there was any difference between a man who cheats and a woman who cheats, most came down in favour of equality. “I can see why people might think that it‘s not as bad when a man cheats, because men think with their dicks,” muses one friend. “But I think that's an excuse, created by men.” Another friend argues, “I think men get away with it more as for them it is physical, but with women it is emotional. Men detach.” So are we saying that men are the only sex able to get down to it without feelings getting in the way? Not according to another friend… “Men seem to think that only they can have sex without emotions. What a load of crap. I used to be quite conservative about my sex life and used to think that too, but I have successfully proved to myself that no emotions whatsoever have to be involved in sex. Women can have 'just sex' just as men can.”
Now here’s an interesting scenario: imagine you’ve gone to meet your male friend for a drink in the pub. After a few drinks they turn to you and say: “I’ve been cheating on my girlfriend. In fact, I’ve cheated on her loads of time, and I have no intention of breaking up with her or ever telling her the truth.” What would you say to this man? Are you imagining it? Right, now switch that male friend for a female one. Are you still as angry? Are you more surprised? Are you immediately assuming there must be something more to the whole thing than just sex? While doing research for this blog, a friend admitted to me: “My best friend cheats on her long-term boyfriend frequently and for sustained periods of time. I don't judge her as much as I would if it was him, which is weird and totally double standards.” And isn’t it? Like, totally! But it’s because many of us girls expect a man to cheat, so we’re much more likely to react angrily than if it was a female friend.
Men I have spoken to who admit they’ve cheated give various reasons for their dalliances. “I was full of myself and not caring about anyone else other than me,” admits one. “I was drunk and it was available,” confesses another. “I was in a relationship I didn’t think was going very far, so I took the opportunities as they arose,” adds yet another. But don’t be too quick to tut, ladies, there were also lots of men who had never cheated, and others who admit they learned a lesson after they did. “I imagine being cheated on properly would feel pretty horrific,” one friend told me. “I'm happy that I've learnt my lesson before it f**ks up something important in later life.”
We’ve all encountered the types of men who play up to those pesky stereotypes and use them as an excuse for their philandering ways, but for many men it’s an annoying assumption that lets down the male race as a whole. Asked if he thought that men cheating was less bad than women cheating, one male friend insisted: “Not in the slightest. I think that’s very symptomatic of the underlying opinion people seem to have that men sleeping with people is fine but that there is a much lower threshold for a woman doing so before she becomes a slut. They are definitely linked. Maybe men have less self-control, or are less concerned on average. I don't know, but I would be sad to think so.”
So men cheat and women cheat and some do it because they can and some do it because they can’t and most do it because they’re unhappy - but what can we do about it? As I explained in my earlier blog, I have found it near-on impossible to trust a man since my first boyfriend cheated on me, but given that it happened 17 years ago (that hurt) and no other boyfriend has cheated on me since (I hope), I’m thinking it’s about time I got over myself and moved the hell on. Either I start trusting men and respecting them a bit more, or I really am going to be an old spinster with a dog (as one of my less-subtle male friends warned). So, that’s my new plan! Who’s with me?
No comments:
Post a Comment