Ignorance Is Not Bliss

I realise it's been a little while since I've updated this blog. Truth is, I fell – probably quite predictably – temporarily off the celibate wagon into the arms of a tall, curly haired chef, who we shall today refer to as Derwood. I managed four months, which I know isn't very long, but in terms of getting me back on track and having some respect for myself again, it seems to have done the trick. When I met Derwood I was definitely swiped in the chops with the fancy stick. He was funny, good-looking, attentive. I've struck gold I thought. I thought...

The fact that he had a girlfriend when we met who he had no qualms on cheating on really should have been the first sign that all was not as peachy as it appeared, but you know how it is when you like someone. Reasoning and logic are there, but fighting naked and alone against the mighty armoured Calvary of lust. They didn't stand a chance.

Everything was going well. But, being me, I could feel myself not trusting or believing his sweet messages and behaviour. It was all a bit too nice, a bit too easy, a bit too good to be true. Broom, I told myself, stop being such a pessimist and give this guy the benefit of the doubt. So I did. But he didn't make it easy.

As time went on, a few things began to occur to me about Derwood. Most significantly, the fact that he was a bit arrogant. Confidence and arrogance are pretty similar, and at first the latter can seem almost attractive, but as he regaled me (more than once) with a story about an ex who'd showed up at work to yell at him (turns out he'd just stopped calling her – that was his way of breaking it off) I started to feel a bit uneasy. Not because of what he did, but of how proud and amused he was by the whole incident. He thought that hurting this poor cow was funny. But that was years ago, I thought. He's not like that any more, I thought. I thought...

Imagine for a second that you've been for a job interview and it went really well. So well, in fact, that they ask you back for a second interview where you meet the big boss and that goes really well, too. And then imagine that you never heard anything from them ever again. Not even a “Sorry, you haven't been successful this time” email. Nothing. You'd think they were bloody rude, right? You'd probably feel justified in contacting them and asking what happened. You would deserve some sort of response. Anything else would just be rude and unprofessional. So why is it acceptable for some people to behave like this when it comes to relationships? After all, you've shared some pretty intimate moments, you're vulnerable, you have a mutual respect for each other if nothing else. Right? Um, wrong.

I won't bore you with all the he saids, she saids, he did, she dids, but basically after about 10 weeks, Derwood clearly decided to jump ship. Well, I assume that's what he decided, but as he just stopped contacting me, I can only guess. That's the trouble, you see, ignorance in this case is definitely NOT bliss. If you're never told the reason for someone's obvious disinterest, you start to make up reasons in your own head – and they're always the worst things ever.

Back at the start of the year, just before I embarked on the blog, I was seeing a guy who did this exact same thing. We'd arranged to meet and then he just never showed up. Never called, never texted, never Facebooked, never tweeted – and it put enough self-loathing into me to make me swear off all relationships. But, as it turned out, the fault actually wasn't with me. A few months ago I saw this guy again, and he said sorry for what he'd done. And do you know what? I think he really was sorry. It wasn't that I was revolting and pointless and vile and abhorrent and all the other things I'd labelled myself, it was just a misunderstanding.

Perhaps Derwood simply wasn't feeling it any more, but as he hasn't told me that, I'm going to assume that he is probably back with the ex he never broke up with in the first place. I wish her luck.

If this had happened six months ago, I'm not going to lie, it would have left me a wreck. But, as it is, it really isn't that much of a big deal. We had some good times, and just because he's decided to show me just how much of a rude coward he is, it doesn't make them any less good. I just want Derwood to know, before he regales his next girlfriend with the tale of how he hurt a girl so much she blogged about him, that it's already forgotten.

This blog isn't about you – it's about ME.

Day 78: All The Single Ladies:

It must be tough being Jennifer Aniston. Not because her marriage ended and her husband started adopting and biologically reproducing babies with a Hollywood super-babe five minutes later. That’s not why I feel sorry for Jen. Nope, I feel sorry for her because of all the pity. Poor old single girl Jen, how awful for her to be so unlucky in love, why can’t she just find a man? Well, in actual fact she recently has. He’s got a nice beard and everything – but the point is why do we all feel so sorry for her just for being single? It doesn’t define who she is. As well as being single, she’s also a successful career woman, dog-lover (this is v-important, obvs) and has a body most 40-year-old (and 20-year-old) women would happily swap their own mums for. Yet, for some reason, we gaze at her polished and perfect form on the red carpet and tell ourselves sadly, “Poor girl, she’s clearly not happy.”

If you, like me, are a single girl, I’d like you to ask yourself this question: how often do you actually wish you were in a relationship? Is it every day? Once a week? Maybe on the odd Sunday afternoon, when you’re hungover and want someone to go and buy you some crisps and Cherry Coke. Or maybe it’s even less often; maybe it’s only when you’re flying solo at a wedding, surrounded by seemingly happy couples. And when you do have this wish, is it because you want to please other people, or yourself? Do you think you should have a partner, and is it this assumption that is making you feel so inadequate?

It is a fact that there are now more single women in Britain than there was after the First World War. There are over six million of them. That sounds like a lot, right? Well, would you be surprised to hear that there are actually one whole million more single men in the country? And I tell you what; I bet nobody is looking at any of them with pity in their eyes. In fact, single men are almost celebrated – especially when it comes to their fellow man. “Good on him, not getting tied down,” people cry. When it comes to girls, however, it’s more often than not the total opposite. Men don’t get “left on the shelf” they merely “don’t get snapped up”.

One friend, who is in her mid-twenties and has been single for five years, agrees with this theory. “I don't like to admit how long I've been single,” she says. “Because I feel like people pity me and think I must be a freak for being single so long. I tell myself I'm happy, and don't care about the length of time, but I do worry about what people think of me.” The silly thing about this, is that the very same girl is actually very happy not having a significant other, going on to say, “I’m so used to being on my own that I've become pretty selfish, I can't imagine planning things with someone else in mind, and I like my own company anyway.” Clearly there is much confusion when it comes to the issue of being single – and perhaps society is to blame.

According to one piece of research I unearthed on the internet, women are staying single for longer these days because they are putting their careers first. Right from a very early age at school, it’s drummed between our pigtails that to be respected in this life, then the best thing to do is finish education and pursue a career. How many of you can honestly say that you haven’t judged a past school friend who chose immediate marriage and kids over a degree and a cosy flat-for-one? Being a mother is an amazing and wonderful thing, but for some reason society has begun to look down on those who choose to do it. Unfortunately, by the time we career-driven girls grow up and realise we would, actually, quite like this as well, finding it has become that little bit more difficult. “I think it's a much more even playing field in the working world these days,” agrees one female friend. “Women are applauded for being successful in their own right. They are also having children later in life – it's not a write-off if you want to start having kids in your 40s. Women don't need to get married and start a family in their 20s to be seen as ‘normal’ any more.”

The other thing us ladies do – and we’ve all done this – is blame men. It’s them who are afraid to commit, them who are making us play mind games with their fear of being tied down – but is it? Not according to one report I read. It claims that idealism about family life begins actually earlier in men than in women. While we’re dismissing our 22-year-old university fling as nothing serious, that same boy could actually be considering the prospect of settling down. On the flipside, however, this idealism vanishes much more quickly for men than women. It may catch up with us when we turn 30, but by then the men our age may be losing interest. One source even claimed that most men would be unlikely to want kids at all once they were past the age of 40.

A male single friend I spoke to has his own views as to why there are so many single girls (and indeed boys) in the 25-33 age bracket. “People in general need to chill the f**k out and stop worrying about things,” he tells me. “The thing I'm starting realise right now is that maybe I'm not sure exactly who I am. We spend our 20s getting drunk and f**king as many people as we can, and then start to panic and realise we don't know who we are. I think the key to successful relationships is personal satisfaction and being happy and comfortable in your own skin.” Girls often think that it’s men who are the ones reluctant to relinquish their single status. As one friend puts it, “Guys always want to stretch their wild-oat-sowing days out a bit longer.” That is certainly the case with some people, but women are very guilty of it too. Being a female doesn’t automatically mean you want to settle down, even if the Bridget Jones Clones of the world protest as such.

So, we come back to the fundamental question: why do we want a relationship? Do we think having a significant other will somehow ‘complete’ us? Will the arrival of a boyfriend or girlfriend into our lives make all our other problems magically disappear? Er, nope. Sorry. Maybe it’s much more simple than that? “[I want a boyfriend] just to have someone to hang out with when I’m bored, and to have someone to depend on a little bit,” says one friend. But is it different for guys? “It's changed over the years,” admits one. “Sex always, but it's having a companion too, someone to do stuff with. Having said that, though, I've only had one relationship where I've felt I really needed that person and couldn't live without them. All the other ones become a bit of a chore, to be honest. I think I end up having a girlfriend through boredom, and then get rid of them when I can't take it any more and it takes up more time than I'm willing to give.”

Surely waiting until you meet someone you actually really like is better than simply settling for the first half-decent bloke or girl that come along, just because the single-fear has set in. I’m constantly reminding my single female friends that they don’t have to stay that way if they really don’t want to. Finding a willing companion isn’t the hard part; it’s finding the right one that proves tricky. Another friend backs me up on this. “I've not really been interested in settling down until now and could have had a boyfriend over the past five years if I'd wanted one, but it would have been for the sake of having one – and you definitely get to a stage in life when you're like, 'If he's not the one, then what's the point?’”

For one close friend of mine, Mr Right is also the absolute only man that will do. “After my marriage broke up,” she confesses. “I pledged to have no more men in my life. I no longer believed in love. I was content. I would not call it happy, but I was content and emotionally free. Free to rediscover myself and hopefully figure out what I wanted. Then I met a guy – and that changed my perspective on love completely. It’s not the idea of having a boyfriend; it’s just the idea of being with someone I want to be with. I want a boyfriend because there is one man I really, really like and it would be so nice.” Wouldn’t it be awful if you tired of waiting for Mr Right and settled for Mr Willing And Able, only to meet the man of your dreams a few months later? I think it would, and the fact that 40 per cent of marriages in the UK now end in divorce is certainly a scary enough statistic to put me off that particular course of action.

Of course, to wait for Mr or Mrs Right to come along (presumably through the sunset on a white horse) you have to believe they are out there somewhere, and for some this is an unrealistic prospect. “Romcoms really have a lot to answer for,” complains one friend. “We grew up watching films like Cocktail and Dirty Dancing, films where the girl always gets her guy in the end, and now we have watched so bloody many we believe there is a Mr Right out there.” I'm not so savaged by relationship disasters to have despaired in the existence of a Mr Right, but I do think he's much more likely to be a Mr Right Place Right Time. Since starting this blog back in March (is that all it's been? Christ!), I've learned to like and respect myself a lot more. I can say with absolute conviction that I now know what it is that makes me happy, and it’s not a man. Of course finding a nice man to settle down with and eventually have a child with is hugely important to me, but I’m starting to believe that this time he will actually be falling for the real me, and not a self-loathing, timid and bitter version of a once happy person.

Making the decision to be single for a while has made me happy, and I no longer see myself as a failure for not being in a relationship. Sadly, I know that lots of you probably still do feel this way, and to all of you I’ll simply say this: forgive yourself for being single. It’s not some sort of self-inflicted curse that has befallen you; it’s simply a circumstance, like having a bar job, or suffering from a cold. It’s very unlikely that it will last forever, so in the meantime just concentrate on what it is that makes you happy. It’s much easier to fall in love with a whole person than bits of a broken one.

Day 63: Myspace Or Yours:

If there's one absolute truth I've learnt about online dating, it's that a lot more people do it than are willing to talk about it. It's been around for years, yet it's still very much a taboo subject with some people. Finding people willing to tell me about their experiences with online dating wasn't easy. Is it because we're concerned about sounding (shock, horror) desperate? Or is it simply because the experience was too traumatic to revisit? The reason I've decided to look at online dating in more detail is because in the past year I've tried it myself. It wasn't a success, as this blog clearly illustrates, but I don't have any regrets.

My first foray into the world of online dating was a few years back and it was on My Single Friend. You know, the one where one of your friends does a write-up for you, as if you're an unwanted item going up on Ebay. I didn't have much luck, partly because I lost interest after a few weeks, and partly because of an enlightening lunchtime conversation I had with my male (very blunt) friend halfway through the process, which went a little like this:

Me: So, I'm giving My Single Friend a try.

Him: Ha ha – yeah, all my mates are on there.

Me: Oh really? Anyone I'd like?

Him: They just go on there looking for sex. All the girls are right desperates, so it's easy.

Me: !!!!!!!!!!!

On my second, and most recent, attempt, I decided to try eHarmony. All those smug adverts had finally lured me in. Given that I was utterly useless at finding a suitable man for myself, I figured why not give a computer a chance. At least we would have the same interests, right? Well, to give Smugharmony credit where it's due, their magical lurve computer did “match” me with some lovely blokes. Getting along-wise, it couldn't have done a better job, but actual chemistry... nope. I went on four dates with four very nice chaps, but I just didn't fancy any of them very much. The conversation flowed, as did the laughs, but there was no voice in my head going: “Rip his clothes off! Rip his clothes off!” Unfortunately for me (and them), if there's no insistent voice then there's just no point.

One friend agrees that this issue of chemistry is her main reason for being anti-online dating. “It’s harder to get that gut instinct through a screen. I believe our bodies let us know the person we are supposed to 'mate' with – we should not try to suppress those clues completely.” But what if you have been listening to those clues, but it's got you absolutely nowhere good? My friend elaborates, “I just don't like the idea of choosing a man from a database, or that some computer does the matching, according to a set of criteria. That would just mean romance is completely dead! And I would like to think not. I like the idea of meeting a man naturally. I enjoy the initial attraction – the dating and flirting. Surely that’s better than someone chosen from a bunch of profiles?”

The first time I went on an actual date with someone I'd been “matched” with, I was full of optimism. We'd emailed, texted and chatted on the phone, and so far it was all good, but as soon as we met I knew there was a problem. First of all, he was a pretty large chap. I don't have an issue with that, as such, but it did come as a shock. His profile picture was of just his face, and now I knew why. He even told me an “hilarious” story during dinner about a girl he'd met up with who, as he put it, “looked okay in her photo but was a right unit”. I almost couldn't hear him, what with all the pots and kettle banging together. Perhaps I was naïve in thinking people would tell the truth about themselves? One friend thinks so: “Anyone could be on there for any reason and there's no way of knowing. You know jack-shit about the person except what is on their profile and what they choose to reveal to you via emails or on a date.” So lying is to be expected, then? “People often use very old photos or lie in their descriptions,” another friend explains. “Men lie about height, ladies about weight and everyone lies about age.”

Call me dumb if you like, but what is the point of lying? Sure, it'll get you a first date, but isn't that just a waste of time and money if it's never going to lead anywhere? The main issue with the first guy I met, aside from his bulk, was the fact he'd lied about being a smoker. Smoke away, if that's what you like, but don't pretend not to in order to tempt me out. He even freely admitted that he'd changed that aspect of his profile because “you're matched with more women as a non-smoker”. A male friend assures me that it's not just men who feel the need to tell porkies. “I've met girls who proclaim they like this that and the other, but then when you get to the crunch they don't – they were either trying to get you interested or they were lying to themselves. In a virtual world, you can reinvent yourself, use pictures from three years ago when you were 3st lighter and just back from holiday. You chose how people see you, so there is the option to be economical with the truth.”

But is lying really that big of a deal? I mean, we do it all the time anyway when we meet new people. Girls lie about not wanting commitment, guys lie about wanting it, everyone lies about their “magic number”, the reasons behind previous break-ups and, in my unfortunate case on two occasions last year, the fact they have a girlfriend waiting for them at home. But then there are little lies and big lies. Clearly, pretending to be into sport to be matched with a sporty guy on an online site is a lot different to pretending to have no wife. I have to admit, I agree with one friend's view that “it is so much easier lying through a computer screen, so it’s actually more likely! It’s harder to get that gut instinct through a screen”. But surely not all the people who date online are liars? There are some success stories, right?

“I actually met my child’s mum online,” reveals a male friend. “I joke that I got her on Ebay! I bought a phone, there was a problem with Paypal going through, so we emailed each other, we kept on emailing each other, this turned into email flirting which turned into an arrangement for her to come down for the week from London. She did, and we fell in love.” Pretty amazing, right? OK, so they didn't meet on a dating site, but their relationship did begin in cyberspace. A girl that I used to work with about five years ago met her now-husband on a dating site and, as another friend points out, there are many examples of people finding real happiness. “I have had proper girlfriends from it,” he tells me. “And also made loads of new friends when we didn't quite click.”

So what's the difference between an online date and any other sort of date? I'd be willing to bet that most people would be less embarrassed about confessing to a blind date, with a friend of a friend, than they would an online date. And what about a date with someone you met on a night out? Surely you know even less about them than you do about someone you've exchanged 15 or so emails with? The difference is, you meet the person from the dating site because you're attracted to their sense of humour and personality, while you may meet someone from a night out because you're attracted to the way their jeans fit snugly across their bum. Let's face it, there isn't even any point in trying to deny the fact that lust is a much more powerful beast than common sense. The last guy I had a misjudged encounter (I call it that because it didn't even reach fling stage) with was totally wrong for me in every way, personality-wise, but God did he have the most kissable lips. How I was ever surprised that it didn't progress, I really don't know. Maybe the lust made my brain evaporate temporarily. What you ideally want is to meet up with one of these personality winners and find him a winner in the cute-tush department, too, which is exactly what happened to another friend of mine.

“I went on a date with four men I met online and didn't like any of them, but then there was one I REALLY fancied. We met at the bar of a posh hotel in Mayfair and proceeded to drink four bottles of wine and snog on the pavement outside like teenagers before he put me in a cab home. We went on another date, two days later, drank less, snogged again, agreed to go out again at the weekend, then he never got in touch again and ignored the text and call from me.” I know! I wanted it to have a happy ending too. But what went wrong? “He didn't have a photo on his profile,” my friend admits. “And I wonder whether he was married or something. Or, more likely, he just fancied a shag and I was clearly too interested in a bit more than that.”

I used to think that all the folk who signed up to dating sites were looking for something slightly more than a wham-bam-I-won't-even-bother-to-thank-you-mam, but that was in the days before my aforementioned lunch when the My Single Friend bombshell was dropped. But before you all start going, “Typical bloody men,” in your heads, be assured that some women are just as bad – if not worse, as you'll see from this next tale.

“I drove down to London and took this lady out for dinner. She was a lot younger than me, but she had approached me online. We went out for dinner and had a very enjoyable evening. I dropped her off at the Underground and sent her an email the following day. No reply. After a few more emails, she got back to me and said that she had a boyfriend, but when she was a bit hard up she contacts men and gets them to take her out for dinner.” Wow. Really flying the flag for unbalanced and uncaring bints, there, isn't she? Shocking behaviour! According to the fella this happened to, the online dating world is a much tougher place for men than women. “It’s bloody hard work! There are so many more men than women on the sites, so to get any sort of response you have to be very imaginative in your profile.”

Before I threw in the online dating mouse for good, I certainly had issues with just the sheer amount of time that it was taking up. All the new matches to search through, ice breakers to check, emails to reply to...it's a spare-time killer. And, if I was going to be really cynical, I'd even suggest that time was probably better spent out somewhere actually meeting people face-to-face. “I feel like I have enough emails/texts/FB messages to respond to without a whole bunch on from a dating site too,” agrees a friend. “Because there is so much choice, people often get stupidly fussy, and sometimes it can seem like quite a grind to sift through all those profiles,” says another. OK, so online dating is time-consuming, risky and “bloody hard work” - but what are the pros?

“Talking online is quite a good way of sounding people out, unlike drunken conversations in pubs. And, if it goes wrong, you can choose to never see them again,” suggests one male dater. “If I saw a girl I fancied in a bar, then aside from maybe eye contact and a smile, I wouldn't dream of saying hello or asking for a number,” confesses another. “Online breaks the boundary – you can say, ‘Hi,’ and not have the public humiliation of not getting a response. If you don’t get a email or whatever back then hey, no-one saw and nobody knows.” I do believe there's a certain percentage of online daters who have chosen that road after taking a serious bash to the self-esteem. For me, it was about avoiding what was rapidly becoming my new “type”, ie utter twats who cheat on their girlfriends. The problem is, I met some nice men online who were in no way like that - but did I fancy them? No chance. Therefore I can't really blame the lurve computer for picking the wrong people. The site did find men that I liked, it's just me who refuses to carry on dating if there's no chemistry. Is this a good decision, though? Should I stop letting myself be blinkered by lust and actually try to create a physical attraction from a mental one? You know what, I can't. And I'm done trying.

Before I go, there is just one more anecdote that needs to be shared – and it's a corker! During my first date with my fourth and final “match”, he told me about a girl he'd met online, who he'd taken out for a drink a few weeks previously. All was going well, he told me. She was pretty and seemed sweet, if a little quiet, and then after one return from the bar he noticed she'd produced a photo album. This photo album turned out to be full of pictures of this girl's pet rabbit. Just the rabbit. The rabbit in its hutch, the rabbit in the garden, the rabbit on her lap, the rabbit in close-up, the rabbit from a distance, the ra- Oh, you get the idea. When he started to laugh and ask – quite reasonably in my opinion – where the hidden camera was, she got very angry and said, “I thought you were different, but you're not – you're like all the others!” Needless to say, she never got a second date.

All I know about online dating now is that it's not for me. I met some great guys, had some great nights out and my self-confidence has definitely improved, but I can't see myself ever finding true love in cyberspace. For those of you who do/have, I applaud you, just make sure you check their bags for suspect photo albums when they aren't looking...

Day 34: Trust Is A Must

Ask an assembled group of women why they think men cheat, and you’re more or less guaranteed that a good 80% of them will declare: “Because they’re bastards!” or “Because they’re sex addicts!”. The idea of a man cheating is far more common and - dare I say - acceptable than the idea of a woman doing the dirty, especially a woman who does it because she likes sex and not just because she’s stuck in a miserable relationship looking for an escape. But do men really cheat because they are seedy, sex-obsessed a-holes with no feelings and hearts of stone? Of course not, so why do so many of us think that?

According to a marriage counsellor named Gary Neuman, “Men cheat because they’re lacking an emotional connection at home.” Hear that, ladies? An “emotional connection”. It’s certainly a claim one of my female friends agrees with. “It [cheating] happens for a reason. Something is missing from the relationship and things aren’t being worked at, the lines of communication aren’t open. If I wasn’t giving my fella enough time and he starts looking for attention elsewhere, then I’m at fault. Let your man know they’re special. Five minutes every day can save a relationship.” If we’re really honest with ourselves here, girls, isn’t it true that we expect a certain amount of complimentary comments and assurances from our boyfriends? But how often do we return the favour; tell them how handsome/sweet/funny/talented they are? I’m going to take a guess and say it’s probably not as often as they say it to us - but why not? Many men are more self-confident than the average woman, but that doesn’t mean they don’t need to hear reassurances from the lady in their life.

There’s also a massive misconception that men are much tougher when it comes to being cheated on. Yes, they might rage around and punch a wall and then go out with the intention of decking the guy you cheated with, but us girls have a tendency to put that down to hurt pride rather than actual heartbreak. Well, I’m here to tell you ladies: men DO HAVE FEELINGS. One such male friend of mine told me what happened when he was cheated on: “It was awful. I cried for a week, didn't leave my room, couldn't eat. I lost loads of weight and went dangerously thin. Then I was incredibly angry and just tried to sleep with as many girls as possible.” And what are his thoughts on cheating girlfriends now? “They can go f**k themselves.” Another of my female friends says, “I think that men find it more painful if a woman they love cheats on them; they can not get over it.”

Unfortunately, there are some men (and indeed women) in the world that don’t see anything wrong in cheating and refuse to acknowledge that going behind someone’s back is a huge betrayal. A male acquaintance I know cheated on his girlfriend repeatedly over the course of seven years - including throughout their engagement - reasoning that “once I’m married, I‘ll stop”. Do I believe a piece of paper and a slice of stale wedding cake is going to alter his ways? Not a chance in hell. Surely if you love someone, you don’t cheat on them, right?

One argument as to why men purportedly cheat more than women is because they find it hard to turn down sex. Have you ever walked up to a random guy in a bar or club and asked, “Fancy a shag?” Can you imagine the response? Now imagine your response if a guy said the same thing to you. The success rate would be VERY different. The fact is, men don’t get offered sex as much as women, so they find it hard to turn it down when they do. That’s not an excuse, merely an explanation, but I would ask all the guys reading this to imagine an attractive girl coming up to them and offering sex on a plate before they dismiss it. It goes back to those basic differences between men and women that I discussed earlier in this blog: it’s simply more socially acceptable for men to want and have a lot of sex.

When I asked a selection of friends whether or not they thought there was any difference between a man who cheats and a woman who cheats, most came down in favour of equality. “I can see why people might think that it‘s not as bad when a man cheats, because men think with their dicks,” muses one friend. “But I think that's an excuse, created by men.” Another friend argues, “I think men get away with it more as for them it is physical, but with women it is emotional. Men detach.” So are we saying that men are the only sex able to get down to it without feelings getting in the way? Not according to another friend… “Men seem to think that only they can have sex without emotions. What a load of crap. I used to be quite conservative about my sex life and used to think that too, but I have successfully proved to myself that no emotions whatsoever have to be involved in sex. Women can have 'just sex' just as men can.”

Now here’s an interesting scenario: imagine you’ve gone to meet your male friend for a drink in the pub. After a few drinks they turn to you and say: “I’ve been cheating on my girlfriend. In fact, I’ve cheated on her loads of time, and I have no intention of breaking up with her or ever telling her the truth.” What would you say to this man? Are you imagining it? Right, now switch that male friend for a female one. Are you still as angry? Are you more surprised? Are you immediately assuming there must be something more to the whole thing than just sex? While doing research for this blog, a friend admitted to me: “My best friend cheats on her long-term boyfriend frequently and for sustained periods of time. I don't judge her as much as I would if it was him, which is weird and totally double standards.” And isn’t it? Like, totally! But it’s because many of us girls expect a man to cheat, so we’re much more likely to react angrily than if it was a female friend.

Men I have spoken to who admit they’ve cheated give various reasons for their dalliances. “I was full of myself and not caring about anyone else other than me,” admits one. “I was drunk and it was available,” confesses another. “I was in a relationship I didn’t think was going very far, so I took the opportunities as they arose,” adds yet another. But don’t be too quick to tut, ladies, there were also lots of men who had never cheated, and others who admit they learned a lesson after they did. “I imagine being cheated on properly would feel pretty horrific,” one friend told me. “I'm happy that I've learnt my lesson before it f**ks up something important in later life.”

We’ve all encountered the types of men who play up to those pesky stereotypes and use them as an excuse for their philandering ways, but for many men it’s an annoying assumption that lets down the male race as a whole. Asked if he thought that men cheating was less bad than women cheating, one male friend insisted: “Not in the slightest. I think that’s very symptomatic of the underlying opinion people seem to have that men sleeping with people is fine but that there is a much lower threshold for a woman doing so before she becomes a slut. They are definitely linked. Maybe men have less self-control, or are less concerned on average. I don't know, but I would be sad to think so.”

So men cheat and women cheat and some do it because they can and some do it because they can’t and most do it because they’re unhappy - but what can we do about it? As I explained in my earlier blog, I have found it near-on impossible to trust a man since my first boyfriend cheated on me, but given that it happened 17 years ago (that hurt) and no other boyfriend has cheated on me since (I hope), I’m thinking it’s about time I got over myself and moved the hell on. Either I start trusting men and respecting them a bit more, or I really am going to be an old spinster with a dog (as one of my less-subtle male friends warned). So, that’s my new plan! Who’s with me?

Day 33: Oh come all ye faithful

A few weeks ago, I conducted a mini-survey on my Facebook wall, asking friends to describe the perfect man in just one word. Can you guess which words came up the most? Rich? Nope. Handsome? No, not that either. Funny? Nah, not even that. The three words that most of us girls used were “trustworthy”, “loyal” and “honest”. Basically, we don’t want no cheaters, no siree! We’d take a poor, ugly, unfunny man, as long as he didn’t do the dirty on us. Okay, maybe that’s a slight exaggeration, but there’s no getting away from the fact that cheating is one thing most of us loathe - and when I say “us” I mean the guys as well as the girls.

The first time a boyfriend cheated on me was during my first-ever relationship (see Mr T, as in T for Troll) and I felt as if my heart had been ripped out through my throat. I was only 14 at the time, so my emotions were abnormally off the scale as standard, but I don’t think I ever forgot how purely horrible it felt when I found out. What was wrong with me? What had I done that was so bad that he’d had to cheat? How would I ever get out of bed/leave the house/breath normally again?

The funny thing is, I don’t actually remember being that angry with my errant boyfriend. I hated myself, sure, and I hated the girls (yes, there were a few) he’d cheated on me with even more, but not him. In fact, rather than do the smart thing and move on with my life as far away from him as possible, I spent all my spare time coming up with plots and schemes to win him back. I can clearly remember telling him (in my best nonchalant voice) that I was “cool with us just being friends” and that I was “sooo not bothered”. Both those statements were utterly untrue, but do you know what - they worked. When we did finally break up almost three years later, it was him at the front door begging for more and me glad to see the back of him. However, despite that small victory, I have never EVER trusted another boyfriend from that day to this.

This little issue of trust is, I think, a major contender in the “Why Broom is still single” mystery. The way I see it, any boyfriend of mine has to accept that I won’t trust them until they have earned my trust, and that won’t happen overnight. My last boyfriend used to get endlessly frustrated with my assumptions that he would do the dirty given the chance. I would calmly explain that I’d rather think the worse, so that if it did happen I’d be less shocked and more able to get over it. It’s a nice theory, but it’s also a load of crap. Even if you wake up thinking “today’s the day my boyfriend will sleep with someone else” it’s still going to hit you like a charging rhino with a sledgehammer if he actually does. And do you know what, maybe he’s only done it because his girlfriend has pushed him away with her constant distrust.

Learning to trust a man again after you’ve been the victim of a cheater is not easy. One friend, who had the misfortune to become involved with a man so close genetically to pond scum that I was always surprised newts weren’t popping out of his ears, told me: “I always thought I would never put up with it [cheating], but when I was in that actual predicament I found it too hard to walk away, and hoped it was a one-off. I thought I could change him, still make it work because he loved me - and that real love doesn't come around often. I completely lost my self-esteem and became a jealous monster. In my head it was still all about him. I never put myself first.” I can hear you all now, going “bastard” in your heads. You should, he was. But the key thing here is the effect it had on my poor friend. As well as a serious blow to her self-esteem, it made her expectation for disaster shoot up to an extreme level. As far as she was concerned, men will cheat, men do cheat and the best thing to do is assume the worst at all times. I can happily say she’s worked through many of these worries now, but it has taken years. Another friend of mine whose other half did the dirty while she was in the next room, admitted, “I find it very hard to trust men now and find myself 'protecting' myself on instinct by being tough and not getting too attached. I deliberately stayed single for ages, as I didn't want to transfer my crap on to anyone else, or go into another relationship with baggage or damaged.”

Surely my trust issues could be seen as “baggage”, and if I’m honest that is part of the reason why I’ve opted to be single for these 12 months. If I can come to terms with being cheated on, start to think of myself as more worthy, and feel able to enter a relationship without all that (adopts American tone) “negativity” then maybe I’ll have a chance of being happy. Not only that, but - and this is the part where I get so honest it makes even me squirm - I don’t think I can trust myself not to cheat. I have done it before. In fact, I’ve done it twice before, and both times it was because I was unhappy and looking for a way out. Having sex with someone who is not your boyfriend is certainly a big neon-lit sign that all is not well, and it would appear I am not the only person to have resorted to this course of action.

“I was with a guy who was very possessive who I’d tried to break up with many times,” one friend told me. “He wouldn't leave me alone, wouldn't stop turning up at my house and always wormed his way back in somehow, even though he knew how much I wanted out. It's not an excuse, and I did try (many times) to end it before I did anything with anyone else, but by the end I just thought I'd never have the resolve to cut him out and not let him back if I didn't do something irreversible. It was a way to get me out of the rut and I knew that I would never be able to take my ex back again. Although I wish I hadn't resorted to being unfaithful to get there, I don't regret that it was the kick I needed to break it off and not go back.”

So, does cheating always mean the end of your relationship? Not according to another friend of mine: “I cheated on my boyfriend two months into our relationship,” she admits. Basically, I was smitten, so when he went AWOL for a week and didn’t return my calls or texts, I was distraught. On the fourth day, a boy chatted me up and I took him home with me. I was hurt, angry and wanted to feel desirable and that I could still get boys (pathetic after 4 days, right?). Anyway, the next day my boyfriend came round and it was all fine – he said he’d 'freaked out' so I told him he should have told me how he was feeling. If anything it made us a bit stronger, but he never found out. Ultimately, I didn’t want to hurt him.”

Indeed, it would appear that those of us who do admit to slipping up in the past are more likely to forgive a future partner if they did the same thing. “I used to think cheating is absolutely unforgivable,” says one friend. “But I've changed my mind completely. With what I know now, I think I would forgive. Maybe stupid, but knowing myself I would probably cheat too, and want to be forgiven. I understand how you can love someone and still go off and have sex with someone else. The key is if you’re going to do it, don't get caught!” Does it feel strange, to hear a girl admit things like that? I suppose it does in a way, but every one of us is different. Some people can move on and forgive, while others would not even consider the idea.

“I can see it's confusing what's acceptable when you're casually seeing someone,” agrees another female friend of mine. “But if it was my boyfriend, they'd be gone in a second and I'd never speak to them again, never hear them out, never look at their face again. That would be it, even if it were just a two-second kiss. It's a betrayal and the trust is gone.” And she’s not the only one… “If you take them back, it's NEVER gonna be a one-off,” insists Pond Scum’s ex. “Once we allow them to get away with it, it will happen again. That boundary is well and truly gone.” According to another friend, “Whoever is doing the cheating is wrong, and I don't see why people don't have the balls to end relationships before trying someone new!”

And surely that is the main point: don’t be in a relationship if you want to sleep around. Don’t be in a relationship if you’re not 100% sure that it is what you really want. And don’t be in a relationship if you will never be able to trust the other person. A few years ago, I was going out with a guy who I met in a bar. It was never an idyllic union, if I’m honest. He was strange, I was lonely, and we didn’t have an awful lot in common. Despite this, we persevered and had made it to our year’s anniversary when I started to get the itch. Our sex life, while never anything to base a Mills & Boon novel on, had completely stopped. I felt unattractive, unwanted, frustrated and pointless, and it was around this time that I went on a holiday abroad with my best friend. I had resolved not to do anything behind his back, but one night he called me out of the blue to ask - I thought - how I was and if I was having a good time. He didn’t ask that, he didn’t even ask how I was, he just ranted about some friend or other who’d left rubbish in his room. I must have paid at least £4 for the call, and it was just the final nail (or not, given the celibate state of our relationship). That night I went home with a barman and the next day I felt an overwhelming sense of relief: I’d gone too far and now I had to end things. That doesn’t mean it was acceptable, in fact it was probably extremely cowardly, but it does seem to be the reason most women cheat.

If women cheat to escape miserable relationships, then why do men cheat? Is there a difference? Is a man cheating less awful than a woman? And what effect does women cheating have on the men in the relationship? These are all subjects for part 2 of this blog entry (coming up tomorrow). In closing, and having read so many of your responses on the issue of cheating (thank you very much for those, by the way), I think one of my friends summed up cheating perfectly when she said, “Men and women with no backbone cheat. It takes an adult to admit a problem, but it’s better to end a relationship than cheat or be cheated on.” Wise words, and I just hope that over the next 12 months I grow into a strong enough person to put my hands up when the going gets tough.

Day 16: No (G)Strings Attached

When I was at university I had one very close male friend. We bonded over our mutual love of films, Guinness and his ability to make me laugh until I wept. One of the things I liked most about him, though, was that he was a genuine friend. As in, we’d never slept together. Well, we didn’t until one night in my final year.

I was drunk when it happened, and I don’t just mean I’d had a few too many Blue WKDs down the Union. I mean, during the actual deed my head was spinning so much I almost chundered all over him. I can only remember the sex itself in snatches of blurred detail, but I can say with absolute certainty that it definitely wasn’t worth the next few months of misery that followed.

You see, after we’d Done It, I started (probably rather predictably) to see him as much more than just my silly friend. He didn’t feel the same way as me though, and one afternoon, a week after I’d woken up in his bed with hair like Worzel Gummidge and a tongue resembling a Saxon gravestone, he called to tell me all about some girl he’d pulled the night before.

This wasn’t an unusual thing for him to do. Indeed, I know more about some parts of my female friends’ anatomies than I ever wanted to, thanks to their own nights of fun with this guy. But listening to him regale me with tales of how great the sex was this time felt like someone was sliding a very long and very sharp needle into the side of my head. My stomach took up residence in my throat and my eyes filled up with tears. Ridiculous really. Eight days previously I would have been cheering him on.

The result of our drunken fumblings was several awkward months of me trying to avoid him and him being confused and our friendship never really recovering. And so…we come to the inevitable topic of Friends With Benefits.

Can you really have a relationship with a man that is purely based on sex? There are no strings, no real feelings are allowed, you aren’t allowed to keep tabs on each other BUT the sex is bloody great. Well, and I’m being tentative here, I think that you can. My experience at university was an unfortunate one, but I think where I went wrong was assuming I could be F*** Buddies with an actual friend. Surely a more casual acquaintance is a better bet, as then you have fewer feelings for them in the first place and there’s less danger of developing any.

I’ve only ever really had one bona-fide “buddy”, and he really became so purely by accident. I liked him quite a lot for the best part of a year, but when we finally got together I felt distinctly under-whelmed. Not by the sex, you understand, the sex was just peachy, but by my feelings for him. I’d romanticised it so much and for so long in my head that I was expecting pure love of the highest order. Instead, what I felt was an instant comfort and a definite degree of self-confidence. I didn’t love this man, or even want him to be my boyfriend, but he was great fun to hang out with and made me feel really good about myself – jackpot!

Right from the start we were open about the status of our friendship, and as a result we had lots of good clean fun and are still friends today. I do realise this example is a rare one, because I’ve had many, many cases where I sleep with them and do fall for them, only to have them not see me in quite the same light. In fact, perhaps it’s the actual seeing me in the light of the next morning that puts them off!

I asked a selection of male friends what they think of Friends With Benefits, and the results were almost universally the same. As one put it, “I think it can be a pretty healthy agreement for both people. Let's be honest, it's regular sex without some of the hang-ups of a relationship. Gets difficult when one becomes more emotionally involved than the other, though. And who doesn't love a f*** buddy to hand when you're feeling horny?!”

And there we have the key: emotional involvement. The problem is that sometimes you’re not even aware that you are emotionally involved, as was my case at university. Or sometimes you’re SO emotionally involved that you agree to sex with a guy because you’ll literally do anything to spend time under a duvet with him. You may even hope that by tapping away at him little by little like some sort of Bridget-Jones-Meets-Shawshank-Redemption beaver, you’ll convince him that he is, in fact, madly in love with you. A word of warning: this has probably never worked in the history of EVER.

A man I met recently expressed a mild outrage bordering on disgust when I told him about my Mr Bona-Fide. According to him, it’s “impossible” to have sex with a girl you’re not emotionally attached to. Scoop your bottom jaws off the desks, girls, this man actually exists! I’m inclined to think he only sees it this way at the moment because he’s convinced himself that he wants a girlfriend. The first rule of F*** Buddy Club is: you can’t do it if you’re looking for a relationship. If you do, you will get hurt, and very possibly humiliated as well. Having casual sex with a man will not make him fall in love with you. There, I said it, and it’s true you know.

Of course, there are the rare occurrences where a relationship of this nature does develop into love and marriage and babies, but it’s a gamble. If anyone knows of one, do please tell me.

You’re the only person who knows whether or not you can indulge in No Strings Sex, but if you can, and it makes you feel good about yourself, then go ahead. Sometimes it’s fun to shake off all the emotional baggage of sex and just get down to it for fun. It’s only when it stops ever being fun that it’s time for a rethink…

Day 9: Do It Like A Dude

Have you ever wondered why when a man sleeps with lots of different girls he’s known as a “stud” or a “player”, but when a woman behaves in a similar way she’s saddled with “slag” or - even worse - “whore”? Of course you have. We all have. I’ve probably wasted enough oxygen for seventeen conifer trees just moaning about it. Rather annoyingly, however, there is a very simple reason why this double standard exists.

Basically, it’s just more acceptable for men to sleep around lots because they can, or rather they’re made to. Ladies, once past a certain age, have the ability to carry children. A wonderful and amazing gift that none of us would ever pass up, even if all the men on the planet promised we could be called “studs” too. Having a baby takes the best part of a year, realistically, and while carrying that child we can’t conceive another one. A man, on the other hand, could impregnate several women every day for nine months if he wanted to. OK, maybe he wouldn‘t get that lucky every single day, but he’d certainly have a better chance than us girls. The fact that men are made to breed, breed, breed has made it more acceptable for them to shag, shag, shag. We, as the carriers of children, must behave better.

While discussing this theory with a male friend of mine a few months ago, he pointed out that while this was true, it wasn’t always true that men are just after sex. “You lot get labelled as being obsessed with marriage and babies,” he grumbled, “But we get labelled as sex-obsessed arseholes who are only after one thing.” I do admit, I took a certain amount of comfort from his remarks.

On a recent date (with the aforementioned Mr Rhino Snorer) he said to me: “Aren’t you looking for Mr Right? You must want to get married and have babies. You are 31 after all.” After I’d nailed my hand to the bar to stop myself slapping him with it, I told him that no, as I’d only just met him, I was actually happy to just see what happened. Up until that moment I thought men like him only existed in my friends’ bad dates and in bad chick-lit. I was wrong, and it really concerned me.

Of course I’d like to get married and become a mum one day. Not on the third date, but one day. Surely I’d be a stranger breed of female if I didn’t? But yet if a man asks me that question on a date, for some reason I lose the power of truth-telling and ramble off into some utter bullshit about not being sure. Just for the record: I am sure. I would like those things. But it doesn’t mean I’m a bunny boiler or a desperate, clingy mad woman or that I have a scrapbook under my bed full of wedding dress pictures I’ve been adding to since the age of seven. Would men really prefer me to turn around and say, “Urgh! Marriage? Babies? Why would I want to grow a disgusting bald alien in my belly? I’d rather shave my tongue with a rusty razor than do THAT. Bleurrrrrrgh.” Something tells me that would be far scarier than a simple, “Yeah, one day.”

The thing is with lies, they tend to do that snowball thing. Tell them on the first date and you’ll be telling them until the day you say your goodbyes. And trust me, you will be saying goodbye. Anyway, going back to studs vs. sluts, I think we all just have to accept that it’s not going to change. But we do have to stop letting it get to us so much. If a man can’t handle your sexual past, then he‘s not the right guy for you, simple as that. And as for being free to sow our oats, let them get on with it. As much as I love Jessie J (that hair! That hair!), I don’t think I can Do It Like A Dude and, to be honest, I wouldn’t ever want to.