If there’s one thing about dating that continues to baffle me, it’s the perpetual: Should I or shouldn’t I? As in, have sex on the first date. Will he think I’m a slag if I do? Will I lose him if I don’t? What if I actually really want to? Should I pretend I don’t want to, in case he thinks I’m a slag? Isn’t he a total slag anyway, for wanting to? I could go on. And on. And on. And…oh, you get the point. I could probably go on for a lot longer than some of the men I did opt to sleep with on a first date, but let’s not go there. I already did, and it was a total waste of time, believe me.
First of all though, we have to get something straight. We’re talking today about first date sex. That means an actual date of some sort, pre-arranged, has to have taken place. We’re not talking: Girl walks into bar. Girl drinks bar dry. Girl smiles at boy. Boy smiles at girl. Boy and girl talk. Boy and girl kiss. Boy and girl go back to dwelling containing bed and shag. Boy and girl wake up, have awkward chat, never speak again. That’s a one-night stand, and that deserves a whole blog just to itself another day.
If you’ve opted for an actual real date with a guy, then you’ve probably already had a little kiss, or maybe some flirty text banter, or you’ve found them in your Facebook mutual friends and started chatting. However the date came about, you’re both starting the night liking one another to a certain extent. If the date goes well and the chat (and probably the booze) are flowing, there’s inevitably going to come a point where the question of sex rears its naughty, filthy face.
Over the past few days, I’ve been doing a spot of research into first-date sex. Endless surveys and studies have already been done. One American fella I read about is adamant that if we hold back sex for the first three dates then the man in question will develop into a better lover. Pah. If only that’s all it took. His argument is that men like a challenge. If we let them play around with us a bit, but keep our undies very firmly on, the sex - when it eventually happens - will be mind-blowing. That might be true, but it doesn’t mean the guy in question will stick around for any longer than he would’ve done if you’d gone the whole hog on the very first night. It also means we’re just massive PRICK TEASES too, doesn’t it?
As girls, we are prone to having a good old bitch about “that bastard who just shagged me then never called” but, if we’re honest (and it’s not always easy to be honest when it comes to sex, is it ladies?), we’ve all done the exact same thing. For example, I met a guy last year who was a friend of my sister. He made me laugh, he was cute, we had some seriously buzzing chemistry and ended up sharing more than jokes come the end of the evening. After date number three, however, it suddenly dawned on me that I didn’t actually like him enough to turn our fling into a relationship. He was very keen and, bless him, did everything he could to persuade me to give him a chance. He didn’t do anything wrong, but the spark, the very same spark that had given fuel to the fire in my pants when we first met, was totally gone. I think he was pretty miffed at the time, but I’d be willing to bet my dog’s back legs that he doesn’t have any regrets when it comes to the sex. Why should he? It was fun.
Isn’t it only fair, then, that guys who like us enough to have sex with us might not like us enough to want us as a girlfriend? I think it’s fair. It’s annoying, sure, especially when you happen to really like them. But maybe they don’t actually set out to bang us and bin us, just like I didn’t with sweet funny sister friend.
I asked a few of my male friends what they really thought of girls that give up the goods on a first date, and most of them actually admitted that us ladies should be free to do as we please, with whoever we like. One of my friends said he’d happily sleep with a girl on the first date, but would also assume she’d slept with every single man she met. This is where us girls have to stop and think: do WE really want a man who sleeps with every girl he meets on the first date? It never seems to cross my mind if I like someone. It’s only afterwards, when I’m staring forlornly at my stubbornly silent phone, waiting for a text that will never come, that I realise I’m actually probably better off out of it.
We can’t make these men like us, we can only continue to spend time meeting new ones and wait for that super-duper spark that fuels the Olympic flame of passion in both sets of pants. It happens. It’s happened to all of us. Two of the best relationships I’ve had over the past five years started with a lot of lovely sex on the very first date. I was just lucky that the boys in question thought it was equally as good as me. I don’t always get it right, though.
A guy I slept with recently had waited until date two and indulged in a few hours of phone play (like foreplay, but less fun). I even told him LOUDLY and C.L.E.A.R.L.Y that I didn’t want it to just be a sex thing because I genuinely liked him. He clearly liked me enough to do the sex part, but that’s where it ended. And that’s fine. He snored like a rhino with a sinus problem anyway.
I’m no expert when it comes to should I or shouldn’t I. If I was, I wouldn’t be waffling on about it on here. But one thing I would urge everyone to do is to be open about it. If you’re prepared to whip off your pants in front of this guy, then you should really be able to talk about sex with him. In my experience, knowing where you stand before you clamber under the duvet will only make the experience better. And if you don’t get the answer you’re after, you won’t wake up full of regret and self-loathing, as I have so many times.
First-night sex sometimes leads to marriage (it does, my friends are proof) and often leads to relationships (it does, I am proof). But sometimes it will leave you feeling like a cowpat. A really runny one. The whole point of my 12-months off any sex at all is to limit the cowpat-factor and, after just one week, I already feel a lot less like a big sloppy shit. Result! So…what to next? Please leave some suggestions below/on Facebook/say them in my face. If not, I’ll be forced to tell you the story of the guy in the donkey thong. Please don’t make me do that…
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